Rising pressures around college admissions have created an atmosphere that can intensify emotions and make it harder for parents to act as they intend. Although much is written about the admissions climate, you can shift your perspective and stay grounded in your intentions as a parent to move through this time with more clarity and connection.
I have joined two high school college counselors and an independent educational consultant to talk about managing the uncertainty, disappointment, and joy of admissions decisions. As a psychologist who works with parents and young adults, I bring concepts from psychotherapy into the awareness of parents and help them practice skills to focus on connection.
Here are six psychotherapy-informed points you can apply now, when fears or conflict affect family relationships as decisions are released.
Emotions Run High for Parents
You may have fears before or after decisions: Did I do enough as a parent? Will my child be unhappy or struggle mentally? Will their future be affected? Will they fail to get into any “good” schools? You may also worry about social and economic status, or feel ashamed that you’re comparing your child to others. Underlying many of these is sadness about separation and change.
Recognizing these thoughts and feelings in yourself and your child is the first step in keeping your relationship strong and focusing on resilience. Because parents rarely have all the relevant information and there’s so much uncertainty, a fear response is often triggered. When you’re vulnerable, your body can’t always distinguish whether your thoughts are requiring an urgent response, so physiological defenses kick in — which are useful but not always helpful for parenting.
When emotions run high, problem-solving and planning are harder. If you speak or act from that state, you may not behave in line with your values. Slowing down and both allowing and tolerating “hot” emotions lets you access a more rational space. But going too far to the rational side and stifling emotions, going into “fix-it” mode, can also lead to responses that miss important signals that someone needs support or empathy. You need both: emotional awareness and rational response. Doing so models resilience and helps your emerging adult build capacity to tolerate emotional pain.
How?
Denials and Deferrals: Slow down, tolerate distress, and regulate emotions
Your goal as a parent is to endure, normalize, and survive the feelings — to react with intention rather than impulsively. Distress tolerance lets you slow down and listen before acting. Practice phrases like, “This emotion makes me want to act without thinking, but I can’t think clearly right now.” Say to your child, “You seem really disappointed — this is tough,” and pause. Remind yourself that uncomfortable feelings are normal and you don’t have to act immediately. Slowing down lets you consider the consequences of your words and actions.
Emotion regulation builds on distress tolerance. It involves understanding how your life experiences and beliefs bring up strong emotions that affect your parenting and learning to change your experience of those emotions. Validate feelings — not by acting on them, but by acknowledging they make sense. Over time you’ll be better prepared for situations that cause distress and handle moments like admissions decisions more wisely. Emotion regulation isn’t “staying calm”; it’s tolerating and managing emotions and behavior when you’re not calm. Practical steps include observing emotions without judgment (“of course you might feel this way”), checking the evidence for a belief, maintaining sleep/exercise/diet, and using brief distraction (e.g., a walk) after a deferral so bodies can settle and clearer thinking can follow.
Watch for Cognitive Distortions
There are many myths about what a college name says about you. When decisions feel high-stakes, people shape information to match hopes or fears, rely on social norms, and respond emotionally. That can make them impulsive and favor gut feelings over reason.
A cognitive distortion is an automatic biased thought. For example, a student opens the portal, sees a denial, and thinks, “I’m so embarrassed; I failed and I’ll never get in anywhere.” That reflects a negative core belief and raises emotions. As a parent, watch for distorted thinking in yourself and your child. They may use rigid, black-and-white thinking that you can gently reflect on later. Right after seeing a decision is not the time to correct distortions — it’s a time for comfort and distress tolerance.
Acceptance — Celebration, Not Praise
Acceptance is also a moment, a flash point, for parents to respond in a way that doesn’t harness their child’s success to their worth as a human. Anxiety spikes for some after acceptance, feeling it’s only a matter of time before people see they don’t belong, that they are an imposter, or that they can’t keep up what they’ve been doing in high school. When your child is accepted, remember that celebration is different from praise, which can make your value as a person contingent on how you perform. Some types of praise (such as telling your child they are a genius, or exceptional, can create pressure to “live up to the label” so they don’t disappoint. It creates a focus on approval from others. Celebrate but take success in stride because it is expected from your child, isn’t it!?
Don’t Forget the Other Side of the Fence
Working with college students lets me look back from the other side of admissions to remind parents that life continues beyond college — and belonging in college is so crucial for wellbeing and success. Some students fear that struggle or lower performance will make their parents angry or disappointed, or that parents will stop holding them in positive regard. Parents, too, feel scared or angry when they see their child at risk for mental health struggles, but are most scared when their child won’t share their need for help.
The connections you foster now — high expectations for success paired with even higher support — help prevent that from happening. We want adult children to feel comfortable asking for help when they need it. Using the admissions moment to learn can inoculate your relationship against future setbacks. If you haven’t managed your distress as well as you’d like so far, it’s not too late: repair is vital in parenting and often part of my work with parents in therapy. Right now is an opportunity to build skills and strengthen your relationship with your emerging adult.
Seek Extra Help if You Need It
If you notice difficulty managing emotions or repeated conflict around the admissions season, seek help. Reflecting on your history and vulnerabilities can help you be the parent you want to be. In my practice I often help parents navigate difficult exchanges during the high school and college/young adult years and beyond. A confidential, practical and empathic space can identify your triggers so you can act with intention and prioritize your family’s relational values. Strengthening your relationship now helps your adult child stay connected to you when they need you later. Parents generally mean well — sometimes they just need space to reflect on how best to do that.
